Starting a new life with a new person and at a place far away from "home" has sometimes forced me to shut my brain down. Well yes of course its not that I have an active life and my that my brain is busy (it's shut down most of the times, yes)... but all the emotions related to "why am I so alone?" when the only person you are living with is not all what you are like or what you would expect him to be like (of course, anyone not you is someone not you), need to be locked tight in a ziploc and frozen(haha, the house-wife slang)... I don't want them to affect my behavior and I also don't want them to be forgotten.
As days pass by, I see myself changing. I see myself changing in a way which lubricates the forward gear of the new relationship. I do the dishes with no complaints now. I do a lot of cooking too. Cleaning up the mess everyday - well, I am yet to learn. Watching the fav shows of my husband on tv and getting used to them so much that I myself want to see them... like the news, sports, stand-up comedies, sitcoms, history, science, etc. And thinking ten times before I spend a penny is the biggest thing I have learnt. Going on for days without any of those long talks that I was used to doing all my life... is also a big change. I do talk to my mom almost everyday to start chats but I soon do realize getting into details only gets you free advice which is unwelcome most of the times! (it's a new family you are starting and you want to make ur own rules for it, right?) :D
Recently when I met the same set of ppl that I met when I was new to Pitt, I had a totally different feeling towards them this time compared to the first. Months ago, I couldn't relate to them, I used to go mad at how stupid/dumb/silly/boring/lazy they are but now, I am one of them... I did laugh at the stupid joke of a guy making dal and hence there's always a bad smell of 'gas' in their house. I don't know what the heck it means, but yes I was laughing away jus like everyone in the crowd. 15 ppl laughed on that single sentence for 5 min. Damn, what a change in company that I used to have and now what I get here!!! The changes do seem to set in, slowly but surely.
Setting up a house here also has it's own hurdles. It is never known how long you are living in the city and also in the apartment. So the more you make ur apartment cozy and home-like, the more the expenses and also the burden of carrying them to a new place. So going for shopping to places like Ikea, Bed Bath and Beyond is like a torture... you want to buy all those nice things and set up a comfy place for urself but you jus don't wanna spend so much money on a place which is probably just temporary! Buying winter clothes also has the same issue... what if you move to South or West where there is no snow at all - all the 100s of $ you spent on them is now just a waste! It's so difficult to live first of all to start living in a new country, start a new home and then the issues of temporary living complicates it all up.
Almost all my life it's been an easy cash flow for me whenever I wanted to buy things. This, that - doesn't matter what. Esp since when my bro started earning, things got so simpler at the shopping front. And then the one and half year I was working at Infy, I even had five different sources for cash!!! (Mom, Dad, Bro, Bhabhi and I) But gosh, now the situation is so different - it's not only the problem of a single person earning for two ppl to live in a luxurious country but it's also about me learning to handle the 'finance' branch of my new home with a responsibility now! Mama always says that it's all in the hands of the woman of a home to set the direction for buying, spending, consuming things and the efficiency.
Moving to this country has also deprived me of having a job. I definitely didn't enjoy the exclusive "house-wife" role which came free with it. My desperation to go out and occupy my idle brain, which in-turn comes free with the role of house-wife, has got me yielded to do further studies, which I have been so adamant not to get into it all these years. Yes of course I know what you are thinking - that if you had the free time like me, you would want to do 1000 different things, everything u ever wanted to do. I can't think of any good excuse or any good reason as to why I haven't utilized my time - I could just talk about not knowing anyone here (absolutely nobody), being dependent for everything like moving around, money, information (Partha will never ever let me drive alone). Even with all these restrictions, I still surely could have read books, blog, learn guitar, do painting, crafts, cook, watch movies, etc. There is no reason why in the world I would not do these things - and yes, I have done them but I could have done a LOT better!!! I really, just really don't know what brought in this slack - the best I can say is that the "marriage" has kept me a lil' occupied! ;) (more on that later)
Whether you want it or not, life keeps changing it's course and demands you to change along with it. Any lack of response would hit you hard. The sooner, the better. Believe it or not, but sometimes when the topic of having kids comes up, I am not startled or lost! Now you know that I realize I am changing...
Thanks for reading.
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Friday, October 31, 2008
Moving... but will there be change?
We are presently living in a single bedroom apartment on 4th floor. There are not many Indians living in these apartments and the ones who are here are a family with 2-3 kids, so there's no one here I can relate to. There's just no possibility of gossip or talks or sharing food or get togethers... its just all by myself or with Partha.
Though this building has around 250 apartments, believe it or not - I just don't come across anyone when I am in the corridor or elevator. And if I come across someone, it'll be an old woman or an old man walking slowly on their way to the car or to their apartment. All day long I sit on the sofa next to a window and till date I haven't seen anyone using their balcony or even standing near the window. It is just so strange, I can't believe it! Yes, I know the weather is extreme sometimes but what the heck, why don't these Americans use their outdoor space? At least the balcony, come on! During summer, there were these three months when I would find around 10 ppl or so sun-bathing near the swimming pool during the day time. That's it - there is no sight of people otherwise. Not even when I am on road - there are absolutely no pedestrians... its just cars zooming around, sometimes I even feel the car is just going by itself with no one driving it! It's that silent and deserted everywhere!
Ok, I've been going on a tangent... here I was to talk about our moving to another apartment in this building. Our move comprises of a tiny change - a balcony. We finalised on this move around 4 months ago. What change would this move bring in our living is still a doubt! But there are a few things for me - a dish tv, an approval by Partha for further decors in the house and a balcony (the balcony can be put to use only for having the dish antenna and some extra light in the living room and for deco purpose by having a nice curtain... I don't see when we can actually stand there - not just because of the freezing temperatures now, but also because of the reason that nobody here ever hangs out there!). And then the arranging thing that'll happen for the next few days which'll keep a jobless house-wife occupied. The dish tv i'm hoping will surely also bring in some timepass for me... all these days, though we have a really good tv, I never watched it. It is mainly coz there are no good channels and then, because its a HDTV (high-def TV) the normal cable gives a bad quality picture. Partha was also very unwilling to change it to a digital cable - and so it just remained like that. But now with the dish, I'll have some Indian channels (MTV, Star One, NDTV) to watch and also a whole lot of HD channels with an additional feature of "DVR" through which you can record your shows minus the ads and later watch them whenever u have the time! Amazing, right?
So that is what'll be the change - which probably will feel good for a month or so I guess coz it'll keep me occupied... beyond that period, I'm not sure if it'll effect us. There are some apartments here nearby which is the "little India" here in Pitt. Driving thru that place itself feels like u are in ur Indian community... u'll see ppl strolling on the road, ppl talking in groups, kids generally playing and running, house-wives playing shuttle in tennis courts, cars parked wherever at owner's convenience, etc! Everytime I go there, I feel I should move to an apartment there... but sadly I was not able to persuade Partha. All the things that I like abt Indians living there... Partha just doesn't like them, esp the things I mentioned above. Partha is too "American-ized" for that. And also, those apartments are a bit more costly compared to here. But Partha does mention one strong point abt that place - most of the Indians living there are the ones who come to Pitt for a short stay, a couple of years or so... and so he says, they are the kind to whom we cannot relate to... as they live like they are in India, for example - sticking to the Indian variety of veggies, food, restaurants, clothes, having only Indian group of friends, watching only Indian movies, talking only their native language, etc. Most of these ppl also will have wives who live at home... Hmm, all these things don't sound all that bad. Knowing at least someone, even one among the whole thousands of Indians, is I feel better than living at a place where there is absolutely nobody! Hmm, as of now, I would want to believe Partha when he says I cannot relate to the ppl in "little India" of Pitt... it might turn out for our own good - the "change" we are moving for.
Thanks for reading.
Though this building has around 250 apartments, believe it or not - I just don't come across anyone when I am in the corridor or elevator. And if I come across someone, it'll be an old woman or an old man walking slowly on their way to the car or to their apartment. All day long I sit on the sofa next to a window and till date I haven't seen anyone using their balcony or even standing near the window. It is just so strange, I can't believe it! Yes, I know the weather is extreme sometimes but what the heck, why don't these Americans use their outdoor space? At least the balcony, come on! During summer, there were these three months when I would find around 10 ppl or so sun-bathing near the swimming pool during the day time. That's it - there is no sight of people otherwise. Not even when I am on road - there are absolutely no pedestrians... its just cars zooming around, sometimes I even feel the car is just going by itself with no one driving it! It's that silent and deserted everywhere!
Ok, I've been going on a tangent... here I was to talk about our moving to another apartment in this building. Our move comprises of a tiny change - a balcony. We finalised on this move around 4 months ago. What change would this move bring in our living is still a doubt! But there are a few things for me - a dish tv, an approval by Partha for further decors in the house and a balcony (the balcony can be put to use only for having the dish antenna and some extra light in the living room and for deco purpose by having a nice curtain... I don't see when we can actually stand there - not just because of the freezing temperatures now, but also because of the reason that nobody here ever hangs out there!). And then the arranging thing that'll happen for the next few days which'll keep a jobless house-wife occupied. The dish tv i'm hoping will surely also bring in some timepass for me... all these days, though we have a really good tv, I never watched it. It is mainly coz there are no good channels and then, because its a HDTV (high-def TV) the normal cable gives a bad quality picture. Partha was also very unwilling to change it to a digital cable - and so it just remained like that. But now with the dish, I'll have some Indian channels (MTV, Star One, NDTV) to watch and also a whole lot of HD channels with an additional feature of "DVR" through which you can record your shows minus the ads and later watch them whenever u have the time! Amazing, right?
So that is what'll be the change - which probably will feel good for a month or so I guess coz it'll keep me occupied... beyond that period, I'm not sure if it'll effect us. There are some apartments here nearby which is the "little India" here in Pitt. Driving thru that place itself feels like u are in ur Indian community... u'll see ppl strolling on the road, ppl talking in groups, kids generally playing and running, house-wives playing shuttle in tennis courts, cars parked wherever at owner's convenience, etc! Everytime I go there, I feel I should move to an apartment there... but sadly I was not able to persuade Partha. All the things that I like abt Indians living there... Partha just doesn't like them, esp the things I mentioned above. Partha is too "American-ized" for that. And also, those apartments are a bit more costly compared to here. But Partha does mention one strong point abt that place - most of the Indians living there are the ones who come to Pitt for a short stay, a couple of years or so... and so he says, they are the kind to whom we cannot relate to... as they live like they are in India, for example - sticking to the Indian variety of veggies, food, restaurants, clothes, having only Indian group of friends, watching only Indian movies, talking only their native language, etc. Most of these ppl also will have wives who live at home... Hmm, all these things don't sound all that bad. Knowing at least someone, even one among the whole thousands of Indians, is I feel better than living at a place where there is absolutely nobody! Hmm, as of now, I would want to believe Partha when he says I cannot relate to the ppl in "little India" of Pitt... it might turn out for our own good - the "change" we are moving for.
Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Living with mom - in my mind.
It's been really an experience going through all the changes that happened suddenly in my life. The major change other than marriage is living far away from my mom and bro. All my life I've always spent with mom or bro on my side, to see them after I go back home.. except for the evil one year that kept me away from them in Mysore. The one year was tough for me even though I had long calls daily and also frequent visits. But now... there is nothing like a frequent visit :(
This probably by now, considering how much I am attached to them, should have had its toll on me. But surprisingly - it doesn't. It still feels fine. I still feel I can go on for long. It might be coz of the new never-ending love that I have in my life... but as they say - nothing can replace a relationship and the attachment - not even another relationship.
I am starting to feel and believe that I still feel strong coz of the dreams that I have in my sleep. I dream a lot... not just in my sleep but also during the day! Each and every single dream that I have in my sleep is always revolving around my mom, my bro and my gang of six friends. The dreams I have are sometimes so strong that they influence me during the day... and it has happened more than once that I address the guy next to me as "annayya" - and he gives me one on the head (Partha) :D Also, all through out the day whatever I do, I hear my mom's voice in the background - asking me to do this and that and telling me what's right and wrong. I sometimes even feel she is inside me and I'm working like her.
It is may be because of this strong bond that I have developed since all these years with mom and bro that now, because of the support that I have, I feel distance is not an issue any longer. I'm pretty positive about this so far and it's already been a good enuf time. Well, but of course I surely dont' say that I don't miss them... I even go crazy sometimes! But soon I also do realize I have to get used to living like this and that - there is nothing wrong in it. I still do have long conversations on phone with mom - averaging an hour daily! I'm also on my way to cut it short, as I have realized that the more I talk the more I am coming up with problems and complaints and assumptions about things that are and things that are not. It can unknowingly happen because moms give us these patient ears and a supporting voice - esp when her daughter is far away and is experiencing a new way of life. So u just can go on with ur "this is what is happening, this is how I feel, is this not how it should be...?" stuff and moms will always give a reproductive response so that u can go on talking and she will make u feel there is always someone who will listen!
So, living with mom and bro in my mind, I'm still strong and I am starting to believe "paroksha prema" has an upper hand over "pratyaksha prema," distance does make a relationship grow, when in love.
Thanks for reading.
This probably by now, considering how much I am attached to them, should have had its toll on me. But surprisingly - it doesn't. It still feels fine. I still feel I can go on for long. It might be coz of the new never-ending love that I have in my life... but as they say - nothing can replace a relationship and the attachment - not even another relationship.
I am starting to feel and believe that I still feel strong coz of the dreams that I have in my sleep. I dream a lot... not just in my sleep but also during the day! Each and every single dream that I have in my sleep is always revolving around my mom, my bro and my gang of six friends. The dreams I have are sometimes so strong that they influence me during the day... and it has happened more than once that I address the guy next to me as "annayya" - and he gives me one on the head (Partha) :D Also, all through out the day whatever I do, I hear my mom's voice in the background - asking me to do this and that and telling me what's right and wrong. I sometimes even feel she is inside me and I'm working like her.
It is may be because of this strong bond that I have developed since all these years with mom and bro that now, because of the support that I have, I feel distance is not an issue any longer. I'm pretty positive about this so far and it's already been a good enuf time. Well, but of course I surely dont' say that I don't miss them... I even go crazy sometimes! But soon I also do realize I have to get used to living like this and that - there is nothing wrong in it. I still do have long conversations on phone with mom - averaging an hour daily! I'm also on my way to cut it short, as I have realized that the more I talk the more I am coming up with problems and complaints and assumptions about things that are and things that are not. It can unknowingly happen because moms give us these patient ears and a supporting voice - esp when her daughter is far away and is experiencing a new way of life. So u just can go on with ur "this is what is happening, this is how I feel, is this not how it should be...?" stuff and moms will always give a reproductive response so that u can go on talking and she will make u feel there is always someone who will listen!
So, living with mom and bro in my mind, I'm still strong and I am starting to believe "paroksha prema" has an upper hand over "pratyaksha prema," distance does make a relationship grow, when in love.
Thanks for reading.
"Sillunu Oru Kadhal"
This is a really nicely made Tamil movie which released around 2 yrs ago. The first time I came across this movie is when I saw the song "Munbe va yen anbe va..." on tv and I just got glued to the screen without knowing! The song is so well made. Then I suddenly had this urge to watch this movie with yet another point that it stars Surya and Jyothika, music by AR Rahman. But unfortunately all my Tamil friends had watched it and it had already become an old movie for them. Slowly I jus forgot abt the movie...
After 2 yrs, comes in Saras! Few weeks ago she had come to Pittsburgh for a vacation and we planned to watch a Tamil movie and I asked her to suggest any random, good movie. I was just more than surprised n excited when we were watching the movie then... coz it was the one with the song "Munbe va..!" :-) :-)
I always had fascination towards Tamil. Majority of my crushes were Tamilians. My first crush was a Tamilian and so was my last one. My favorite actor is Vikram, who is also a Tamilian. I'm also going to exaggerate this by also saying that all Tamilians look handsome - esp if they have dark skin!
Whenever I hear Tamil being spoken by someone, I just lend both my ears to the language and I simply love it! This language has some cool factor to it. Also, all Tamilians have one thing widely in common - they speak pure Tamil. They don't let any other words enter into their speech, be it numbers, days of week, relations, food... I haven't seen any other language being spoken with so much seriousness.
Its sad that I can't speak Tamil... forget speaking, I don't even understand it. May be now since I have all the time in the world, I shud search online for some learning. Sounds great machi! :D
Here is the video of the melodious song, its like a fantasy love story for the fascination that I have towards Tamil: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5ltsYpPJv0
Thanks for reading.
After 2 yrs, comes in Saras! Few weeks ago she had come to Pittsburgh for a vacation and we planned to watch a Tamil movie and I asked her to suggest any random, good movie. I was just more than surprised n excited when we were watching the movie then... coz it was the one with the song "Munbe va..!" :-) :-)
I always had fascination towards Tamil. Majority of my crushes were Tamilians. My first crush was a Tamilian and so was my last one. My favorite actor is Vikram, who is also a Tamilian. I'm also going to exaggerate this by also saying that all Tamilians look handsome - esp if they have dark skin!
Whenever I hear Tamil being spoken by someone, I just lend both my ears to the language and I simply love it! This language has some cool factor to it. Also, all Tamilians have one thing widely in common - they speak pure Tamil. They don't let any other words enter into their speech, be it numbers, days of week, relations, food... I haven't seen any other language being spoken with so much seriousness.
Its sad that I can't speak Tamil... forget speaking, I don't even understand it. May be now since I have all the time in the world, I shud search online for some learning. Sounds great machi! :D
Here is the video of the melodious song, its like a fantasy love story for the fascination that I have towards Tamil: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T5ltsYpPJv0
Thanks for reading.
Zeroth
I'm starting with nothing to write about, a post with zero content and hence zeroth post :D The reason for this is that funnily I have lot of things to write about but I have no clue what do I start writing about? Do I write about what happened in my life after the last post that I've made in my prev blog? That would take ages n ages to write coz there is so much! And... I don't want to get into the past and look at how my life was and how it changed and blabber about my experiences... coz if u know what I'm talking about... if u know what happened, u wud sure agree when I say it would be a never-ending post. A short glimpse and u know what i'm talkin about!
Bad experiences during my job at Mysore, me shifting to Hyd and then fighting for transfer telling all sorts of lies, getting insane with life as nothing was happening and when things started happening - getting insane at the fast pace things were happening, my engagement, the wedding preparations, me leaving my job, my marriage and me moving to US as a house-wife! O what a twist...! To less than a year ago if I peep into my life and then see where I am now, I know what a U-turn my life has made!
Surely, when things are happening without ur control and when u don't understand how they came by... things are happening for good!
I still don't get any concrete thoughts about anything so that I can write something!! The only thing in my mind right now is... Partha's love! :-)
I have to say that it is difficult esp when u are in an arranged marriage when it comes to start liking each other but after it has set in, I jus can't take my mind off it... i'm jus basking peacefully in the love!
Life after I've come to US has demanded me to become a house-wife... I can't say I've completely transformed into one though! All I have to do daily, the only goal that I have is - preparing food n taking care of the house - which is no big deal at all! But somehow I don't get a hang of these jobs even after so many months. Even now I still feel my mom is gonna cook for me and feed me too! haha.. nice try huh! But well sometimes, I do get into cooking seriously... I take it seriously that I have to make good, tasty, healthy food and a well packed lunch for Partha. I'm happy to see my progress from reluctant to cook something for the day to some interest and patience in cooking... and I have to say that cooking is not all that bad. I feel it is only the cleaning, washing which comes along with it that makes it a boring job.
My typical day starts with me getting up from bed and going straight to kitchen for making breakfast and packing lunch for Partha and then again I hit the bed :D I get up at arnd 10:30, have breakfast and get ready for phone calls by 11:30. These calls go on till 1:30-2pm. Then I reply to mails, read recipies online to get ready for cooking by 3 or 4. If I start my cooking at 4, its already way too late... I cannot complete it by the time Partha is back home. Partha is home by 6:30 and we have our dinner at 7. Watch TV, talk, fight, love and that's it... my day is done! If we have any groceries to buy, any shopping to do.. then there is no tv, talking/fighting.. all the time we have with each other is gone with it. Hmm, that constitutes my day.
I'm sure this post is so much unlike me... it's may be coz I've changed? But well i'm sure i'm getting back with something interesting to write... so watch this space.
Thanks for reading.
Bad experiences during my job at Mysore, me shifting to Hyd and then fighting for transfer telling all sorts of lies, getting insane with life as nothing was happening and when things started happening - getting insane at the fast pace things were happening, my engagement, the wedding preparations, me leaving my job, my marriage and me moving to US as a house-wife! O what a twist...! To less than a year ago if I peep into my life and then see where I am now, I know what a U-turn my life has made!
Surely, when things are happening without ur control and when u don't understand how they came by... things are happening for good!
I still don't get any concrete thoughts about anything so that I can write something!! The only thing in my mind right now is... Partha's love! :-)
I have to say that it is difficult esp when u are in an arranged marriage when it comes to start liking each other but after it has set in, I jus can't take my mind off it... i'm jus basking peacefully in the love!
Life after I've come to US has demanded me to become a house-wife... I can't say I've completely transformed into one though! All I have to do daily, the only goal that I have is - preparing food n taking care of the house - which is no big deal at all! But somehow I don't get a hang of these jobs even after so many months. Even now I still feel my mom is gonna cook for me and feed me too! haha.. nice try huh! But well sometimes, I do get into cooking seriously... I take it seriously that I have to make good, tasty, healthy food and a well packed lunch for Partha. I'm happy to see my progress from reluctant to cook something for the day to some interest and patience in cooking... and I have to say that cooking is not all that bad. I feel it is only the cleaning, washing which comes along with it that makes it a boring job.
My typical day starts with me getting up from bed and going straight to kitchen for making breakfast and packing lunch for Partha and then again I hit the bed :D I get up at arnd 10:30, have breakfast and get ready for phone calls by 11:30. These calls go on till 1:30-2pm. Then I reply to mails, read recipies online to get ready for cooking by 3 or 4. If I start my cooking at 4, its already way too late... I cannot complete it by the time Partha is back home. Partha is home by 6:30 and we have our dinner at 7. Watch TV, talk, fight, love and that's it... my day is done! If we have any groceries to buy, any shopping to do.. then there is no tv, talking/fighting.. all the time we have with each other is gone with it. Hmm, that constitutes my day.
I'm sure this post is so much unlike me... it's may be coz I've changed? But well i'm sure i'm getting back with something interesting to write... so watch this space.
Thanks for reading.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
